yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
