i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
