Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
