I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
