i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
