tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
