Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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