Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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