Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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