remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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