Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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