hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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