so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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