I want to walk on stilts...naked
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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