I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
