There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
