Plan B is the new Plan A
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize