either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
