I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
