my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
