Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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