dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
The best revenge is premature balding
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize