then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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