I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
