he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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