I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
