My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
