dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Randomize
