i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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