Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
