Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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