Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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