My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
