Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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