how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
My breath smells like gin and sadness
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
