i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
