I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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