i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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