I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize