Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
