Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
