woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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