I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
