Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
