I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
