I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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