oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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