Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
