She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize