No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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