Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
