I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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