I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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