Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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