It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
