May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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