i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
