This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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