Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
