i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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