My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
