There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
