i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
