I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
